okay so chris is at work. i fucking hate it when he has to work. ugh. he went in at 9:30 &doesn't get out until 6:30. i miss him bad. he should be coming home to see me real soon on his lunch. yaaay! we haven't exactly been able to hang out that much &it sucks. &when we do hang out, he's always playing video games, which i don't really mind, but he like plays for hours. haha. he's pretty good at EVERY video game. he's my little geek.
so i might be working at the stewart's in north hoosick. hopefully i get the job because i really need a job. I NEED MONEY! lol.
so yesterday, me &chris did a little shopping. i got a new bra &underwear because i really needed some &there was a huge sale in maurice's. buy 1 get 1 half off everything in the store. there are these really cute boots i want there. also, there is this HOTT ASS winter jacket that i fucking want. it's soooo hott! lol.
i'm tired.
so i hope i make some friends on this thing because i looove comments. i love any type of feedback.
when chris comes home for lunch, he's going to drop me off at natasha's when we go back into town so he can go to work. i always hang out with natasha while he's working. i mean, i don't mind since it helps me kill time so i don't have to be home alone &stuff, but i fucking hate hanging out with her other friends at the same time. they are fucking annoying. like there is this one old bitch named trudy &she pisses me off so bad. she is so fucking rude.
hopefully me &natasha find something to do today. i don't want to be bored, lol, cuz sometimes we can get very bored.. then we start to cause trouble.
okay well i need to get ready to go to bennington &stuff.
i'll be updating laterrrr. <3
&love;
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
o14.
okay so i'm having a couple problems with this site it seems like. i don't know. like, some of my entries txt is soooo small. but when i just hit killkiaunaaa at the top of my page, it had all of the txt the way i wanted it. it was sooo weird. idk after i click on something else, when i go back to my page the txt is small. it's gay. who knows?
okay so the past few days except wednesday chris has been working. i hate it because i want to spend every second with him. haha. i've been hanging out with natasha laddyy. [: yeah i know, i'm a loser &i need to get a job. lol. all me &natasha do is fucking smoke weed &walk. lol. nah, we're really close. but we smoke a lot of weed &we walk a lot. lol. &she confides in me. i like it though. she used to be my best friend. i miss her. a lot. buuut, w'll never be that close ever again. whatever, i like our friendship now, the way it is.
i keep getting distracted. lol. i'll update later or something.
okay so the past few days except wednesday chris has been working. i hate it because i want to spend every second with him. haha. i've been hanging out with natasha laddyy. [: yeah i know, i'm a loser &i need to get a job. lol. all me &natasha do is fucking smoke weed &walk. lol. nah, we're really close. but we smoke a lot of weed &we walk a lot. lol. &she confides in me. i like it though. she used to be my best friend. i miss her. a lot. buuut, w'll never be that close ever again. whatever, i like our friendship now, the way it is.
i keep getting distracted. lol. i'll update later or something.
finally!..
okay, i'm finally done. lol. those were the most important entries i guess from my el-jay. i'm getting tired from doing all of that. lol. i'll post tomorrow.
nighty-nite. <3
nighty-nite. <3
o12.
&so much has happened. i've been hanging out with my friend natasha lately while chris has been at work. i hate it when he has to fucking work. the other night i had a fucking breakdown. it really sucked. i think i'm going crazy. haha. i'm just an insecure person &i need to hear certain things every now &then. i don't want to lose chris. i looove him so much &i'm terrified. i like, need him; seriously. he IS my other half. i can't wait to find a fucking job so i can get out ¬ get bad thoughts in my head about my bby. like, just because of my past relationships &getting cheated on, i'm so afraid that he's going to be like all of the others but i know that he would never do that to me. it's like, it seems too good to be true. he does. he IS too good to be true. he's so perfect &treats me so well &i know that is why i don't ever wanna lose him. so since he had today off, it was nice to be able to spend the day together. [: he has saturday off &i think we're going to hang out with rich &brit but i don't know what is happening yet. nothing final. as long as if i get to be with him i don't really care. lol.
so i've been hanging out with natasha. we have been having so much fun. i've been trying to do everything i can for her so that she doesn't think about her pepe who died on halloween. it's a sad thing too. we were even talking about him earlier on in the day that he died. anyway, we are going to protest for marajuana legalization. i really think the legalization could do wonders for trading &shit. we could make so much nice money &there would probably be a lot less bitchy people. haha. megan has been home a lot or she's been hanging out with jake. she's just been a busy-body. my gay friend steven got out of jail. it was so much fun hanging out with him. i missed him a lot. me &tasha were talking about how she thinks i should be single so i can "live my life" &telling me that i could do whatever i wanted with who i wanted. i was like, "dude, i'm not a slut" haha. but yeah, i don't know. i kind of didn't appreciate it just because i love chris. she was also saying if i was single &when i get a job we could get an apartment together. like, wtf? lol. i'm not leaving chris you leszbo. haha. just kidding. i love my natasha. she just wants me to be happy &she was saying all of this because she knew me &chris were fighting. i'm not going to lie, if chris like, cheated on me or something, i would probably do exactly what she suggested.. but chris would never do that &i don't want him to cuz i want to be with him forever.
i also hung out with kaleigh. she's alright. sometimes, she's waaay too talkative. it's like, STFU! haha. i love her though. she's awesome. she's like, "YOU KNOW MY BOYFRIEND!" i was thinking to myself, biitch you are fucking weird. i don't know him. &then she said who it was &like, my mouth just dropped. kodiak. i love him. he's awesome. they look cute together. i've known cody for a long ass time. he's pretty fucking sweet.
dude, i want to try shrooms. chris always tells me he'll get them for me because he wants me to try them, but he never does or he can't find them. haha. i love him though. he doesn't mean to forget sometimes. i'm so glad our big fight is done &over with. we never fight. we maybe sometimes will get into disagreements, but we never fight. &we fought yesterday. i'm glad he forgives me for being a retard. haha. i'm just insecure, that's all.
about the whole marajuana legalization thing, i think they should also do it because it is sooo much less harmful than alcohol. so many people die from that shit. for some reason, i want to get drunk.. soon. ]: i don't want to feel that way. haha.okay, so i wrote something that i want feedback on. here goes nothing.
1. everybody doesn't have to love me.
not everyone has to love me or even like me. i don't necessarily like everybody i know, so why should eveyrbody else like me? i enjoy being liked and being loved, but if somebody doesn't like me, i will still be okay and still feel like i am an okay person. i cannot make somebody else like me, any more than someone can get me to like them. i don't need approval all the time. if someone does not approve of me, i will still be okay.
2. it is okay to make mistakes.
making mistakes is something we all do, and i am still a fine and worthwhile person when i make them. there is no reason for me to get upset when i make a mistake. i am trying, and if i make a mistake, i am going to continue trying. i can handle making a mistake. it is okay for others to make mistakes, too. i will accept mistakes in myself and also mistakes that others make.
3. other people are okay and i am okay.
people who do things i don't like are not necessarily bad people. they should not necessarily be punished just because i don't like what they do or did. there is no reason why other people should be the way i want them to be, and there is no reason why i should be the way somebody else wants me to be. people will be whatever they want to be. i cannot control other people or change them. they are who they are; we all deserve basic respect.
4. i don't have to control things.
i will survive if things are different than what i want them to be. i can accept things the way they are, accept people the way they are, and accept myself the way i am. there is no reason to get upset if i can't change things to fit my idea of how they ought to be. there is no reason why i should have to like everything. even if i don't like it, i can live with it.
5. i am responsible for my day.
i am responsible for how i feel and what i do. nobody can make me feel anything. if i have a rotten day, i am the one who allowed it to be that way. if i have a great day, i am the one who deserves credit for being positive. it is not the responsibility of other people to change so that i can feel better. i am the one who is in charge of my life.
6. i can handle it when things go wrong.
i don't need to watch out for things to go wrong. things usually go just fine, and when they don't, i can handle it. i don't have to waste my energy worrying. the sky won't fall in; things will be okay.
7. it is important to try.
i can. even though i may be faced with difficult tasks, it is better to try than to avoid them. avoiding a task does not give me any opportunities for success or joy, but trying does. things worth having are worth the effort. i might not be able to do everything, but i can do something.
8. i am capable.
i don't need someone else to take care of my problems. i am capable. i can take care of myself. i can make decisions for myself. i can think for myself. i don't have to depend on somebody else to take care of me.
9. i can change.
i don't have to be a certain way because of what has happened iin the past. every day is a new day. it's silly to think i can't help being the way i am. of course i can. i can change.
10. other people are capable.
i can't solve other people's problems for them. i don't have to take on other people's problems as if they were my own. i don't need to change other people or fix up their lives. they are capable and can take care of themselves and can solve their own problems. i can care and be of some help, but i can't do everything for them.
so, that was it so far. i think i might add an eleven but i'm not sure yet. that is what i came up with these past couple days. it's so true, isn't it? lemme know what you guys think! [[:
okay, so yeah. this entry is pretty long. i don't really care though. i needed to get a few things out. now i'm going to lay down with my boyfriend &watch a movie. i don't know which one we'll watch yet. i love him. he's the greatest, no lie.
time to cuddle. bye-bye. <3
so i've been hanging out with natasha. we have been having so much fun. i've been trying to do everything i can for her so that she doesn't think about her pepe who died on halloween. it's a sad thing too. we were even talking about him earlier on in the day that he died. anyway, we are going to protest for marajuana legalization. i really think the legalization could do wonders for trading &shit. we could make so much nice money &there would probably be a lot less bitchy people. haha. megan has been home a lot or she's been hanging out with jake. she's just been a busy-body. my gay friend steven got out of jail. it was so much fun hanging out with him. i missed him a lot. me &tasha were talking about how she thinks i should be single so i can "live my life" &telling me that i could do whatever i wanted with who i wanted. i was like, "dude, i'm not a slut" haha. but yeah, i don't know. i kind of didn't appreciate it just because i love chris. she was also saying if i was single &when i get a job we could get an apartment together. like, wtf? lol. i'm not leaving chris you leszbo. haha. just kidding. i love my natasha. she just wants me to be happy &she was saying all of this because she knew me &chris were fighting. i'm not going to lie, if chris like, cheated on me or something, i would probably do exactly what she suggested.. but chris would never do that &i don't want him to cuz i want to be with him forever.
i also hung out with kaleigh. she's alright. sometimes, she's waaay too talkative. it's like, STFU! haha. i love her though. she's awesome. she's like, "YOU KNOW MY BOYFRIEND!" i was thinking to myself, biitch you are fucking weird. i don't know him. &then she said who it was &like, my mouth just dropped. kodiak. i love him. he's awesome. they look cute together. i've known cody for a long ass time. he's pretty fucking sweet.
dude, i want to try shrooms. chris always tells me he'll get them for me because he wants me to try them, but he never does or he can't find them. haha. i love him though. he doesn't mean to forget sometimes. i'm so glad our big fight is done &over with. we never fight. we maybe sometimes will get into disagreements, but we never fight. &we fought yesterday. i'm glad he forgives me for being a retard. haha. i'm just insecure, that's all.
about the whole marajuana legalization thing, i think they should also do it because it is sooo much less harmful than alcohol. so many people die from that shit. for some reason, i want to get drunk.. soon. ]: i don't want to feel that way. haha.okay, so i wrote something that i want feedback on. here goes nothing.
1. everybody doesn't have to love me.
not everyone has to love me or even like me. i don't necessarily like everybody i know, so why should eveyrbody else like me? i enjoy being liked and being loved, but if somebody doesn't like me, i will still be okay and still feel like i am an okay person. i cannot make somebody else like me, any more than someone can get me to like them. i don't need approval all the time. if someone does not approve of me, i will still be okay.
2. it is okay to make mistakes.
making mistakes is something we all do, and i am still a fine and worthwhile person when i make them. there is no reason for me to get upset when i make a mistake. i am trying, and if i make a mistake, i am going to continue trying. i can handle making a mistake. it is okay for others to make mistakes, too. i will accept mistakes in myself and also mistakes that others make.
3. other people are okay and i am okay.
people who do things i don't like are not necessarily bad people. they should not necessarily be punished just because i don't like what they do or did. there is no reason why other people should be the way i want them to be, and there is no reason why i should be the way somebody else wants me to be. people will be whatever they want to be. i cannot control other people or change them. they are who they are; we all deserve basic respect.
4. i don't have to control things.
i will survive if things are different than what i want them to be. i can accept things the way they are, accept people the way they are, and accept myself the way i am. there is no reason to get upset if i can't change things to fit my idea of how they ought to be. there is no reason why i should have to like everything. even if i don't like it, i can live with it.
5. i am responsible for my day.
i am responsible for how i feel and what i do. nobody can make me feel anything. if i have a rotten day, i am the one who allowed it to be that way. if i have a great day, i am the one who deserves credit for being positive. it is not the responsibility of other people to change so that i can feel better. i am the one who is in charge of my life.
6. i can handle it when things go wrong.
i don't need to watch out for things to go wrong. things usually go just fine, and when they don't, i can handle it. i don't have to waste my energy worrying. the sky won't fall in; things will be okay.
7. it is important to try.
i can. even though i may be faced with difficult tasks, it is better to try than to avoid them. avoiding a task does not give me any opportunities for success or joy, but trying does. things worth having are worth the effort. i might not be able to do everything, but i can do something.
8. i am capable.
i don't need someone else to take care of my problems. i am capable. i can take care of myself. i can make decisions for myself. i can think for myself. i don't have to depend on somebody else to take care of me.
9. i can change.
i don't have to be a certain way because of what has happened iin the past. every day is a new day. it's silly to think i can't help being the way i am. of course i can. i can change.
10. other people are capable.
i can't solve other people's problems for them. i don't have to take on other people's problems as if they were my own. i don't need to change other people or fix up their lives. they are capable and can take care of themselves and can solve their own problems. i can care and be of some help, but i can't do everything for them.
so, that was it so far. i think i might add an eleven but i'm not sure yet. that is what i came up with these past couple days. it's so true, isn't it? lemme know what you guys think! [[:
okay, so yeah. this entry is pretty long. i don't really care though. i needed to get a few things out. now i'm going to lay down with my boyfriend &watch a movie. i don't know which one we'll watch yet. i love him. he's the greatest, no lie.
time to cuddle. bye-bye. <3
o11.
okay so it's the boyfriend's day off today, so we have done nothing but hang out. i looove him. we went to bed pretty early last night &woke up early together. we cleaned my room. we played video games. actually, in a second we're going upstairs to play rockband2. i love that game. i'm so good at the drums, but he sooo kicks my ass. [: i can only play on medium while he's playing on expert. lol.
anyway, yesterday was a good day. i'll talk about it more later.
i'm going to go spend time with the boyfraaan &play rockband.
&love;
anyway, yesterday was a good day. i'll talk about it more later.
i'm going to go spend time with the boyfraaan &play rockband.
&love;
o1o.
okay so i never did write again yesterday. it was a pretty good day. i stayed home &chilled. chris came to see me on his lunch. yaaay! i love seeing him. i always miss him a lot when he's at work. so, when it was time to bring him back to work, i dropped him off. i hung out with my friend natahsa. i get there &like, her whooole family, not really, is there. natasha's old friend trudy who really is like an old lady.. &natasha is 18 &she's hanging out with an old lady.. who is sooo annoying. i can't stand her. ughhh. anyway, it was her, trudy, natasha''s mom, her gram, and her uncle &younger sister had just left right before i got there. i saw denise, natasha's mom, as soon as i go in &i don't even recognize her at first. she's lost a lot of weight.. i'm assuming from her drug use &she was crying a lot. natasha's pepe's funeral was on friday so that is why the fam was down. i'm considered part of the family cuz natasha is my best friend. anyway, i gave her a hug. i gave gram a kiss &a hug. i feel bad. pepe was gram's ex. it was natasha's real grandfather. he died on halloween. i only met him once when natasha's mom &her boyfriend fucking retard brought him down because he was doing bad &they knew he was going to die soon. but that was sooo long ago. that was when i like, spent every day with natasha. anyway, he died on halloween, &so didn't gram's sister. halloween is such a bad day. ]: someone else i knew died on halloween but i don't remember who. my grandmother told me. idk. lol.
anywaysssss, i get there &i told natasha to get rid of the old bag. she hates it when i call her that but she really is annoying &tash knows that i don't like her. so, we went for a walk. we had to meet natasha's youngest sister. as we were walking back, we see a guy named carl that all of us know except tasha's youngest sister, meagan. so she tells trudy to go hang out with him because she was doing stuff with her sister, like shopping cuz at the funeral all of the sisters got 75 dollars each in visa giftcards. i love those things. anyway, she went with him.
so, we get back to tasha's but first we went to d&d so i could get some breakfast, a strawberry frosted donut with sprinkles. yum yum. those are my faaave! so we get to tasha's &we see denise walking to the indian store. lol. idk the name of the store. i've always called it that. so asked meagan with walk with her so she can bring stuff back for gram because she was gunna buy iit then give the stuff to meg to bring to gram &denise was just gunna keep walking. me &tash knew what she was going to do. go get high on crack &drink. she always does that shit when she's depressed &it's no good for her at all. then we get to gram's. natasha tells gram that we're going shopping, then we leave.we got in the car &went for a smoke ride first. i love smoke rides. i looove weed.*** after, we went to jc pennys. so, we get there &we all look around &natasha doesn't find anything she wants &meagan had stuff she picked out but didn't even buy anything. i can't stand people that do that. haha. they'd rather just save it. fuck that. if i have 75 dollars for clothes &stuff which is what it was for, you better believe i'm spending it all. haha. so, we go to a new store next to olympia sports, quiznos, &jc pennys. it's called maurice's. i <3 it. as soon as i walked in i fell in love with everything. haha. i can't wait until chris gets paid. i can't wait to get a job so i can blow my money on clothesss! natasha bought a hat &scarf.. that's it! meagan didn't get anything but a wallet. hahahaha. they suck. i just wanted to take their visa's &buy myself shit. hahaha. sooo, i wanted to go to label shopper. we went there &i got chris a pair of calvin klein underwear. they are sexxxxy! he modeled them for me last night. [; haha. i looove him. so after we were done shopping, we went to tb because we were alll hungry &meagan bought me a gordita crunch. yummy. haha. we were gunna eat there cuz it was like, 2:45 &i didn't have to bring my sister to work cuz my aunt's boyfriend was gunna do it &chris &my grandmother didn't get out of work until 4. at like, 2:55 i get a call from my sister saying she called auntie because she told them when she called earlier she had to work at 4. well, she checked her schedule &she had to be there at 3:30 so anyway, she called auntie to tell her &myy aunt was like, "well, that's too bad. matt is sleeping." &was just a bitch about everything so she calls me &asks if i will bring her. so i told her yeah &i might be a little later because i was waiting for food. which the wait seemed like forever. natasha &meagan went with me so it was good. we got our food a little after three, so i had to speed to hoosick falls. i fucking get there, &matt is sitting outside (my aunt's boyfriend). i was soo pissed. i went over &talked to him &saw the baby. he cried of course. haha. so i go inside &i go upstairs &dem is apologizing for having me come. i was like, "matt is outside". she didn't even fucking know! my aunt is a bitch. my grandmother has no money for gas &that was a waste of gas for me. so, they left cuz she ended up riding with matt. me, natasha, &meagan went over to the big moose since i live right next door to it. lol. &peter winchester is working. natasha used to like him, &he's dating &fucking this girl named whitney, who used to date a kid named peter noble, who natasha is fucking. hahahaha. it's too funny. meagan bought me candy. haha, a laffy taffy. a huuuge one. so we go there &make fun of him then leave. on the way home, we smoke her last bp. i love her uncle shane's weed. it's amaaaazing.so, by the time i get back into bennington, it's time to pick up my gram &chris. yeah, my grandmother was not too happy with my aunt. she's such a bitch sometimes. she's such an alcoholic, she thinks everyone is out to ruin her life. her kids come here on the weekends because she can't handle them. that is why she drinks. she doesn't even know how to take care of them. she sits at home allll day. won't get a job. matt does all the working. she's lazy. her kids don't want her to drink because they know how she was when sober, &they miss their real mom. anyway, when she drinks she is so hard on the kids. she makes them do housework while she sits. the kids have to clean the bathroom do the dishes sweep all the time. stuff she is supposed to be doing. i mean a couple chores is fine for kids their ages but she makes them clean everything. i feel so bad for them. i wish they could live with us cuz i know how to handle them &take care of them. ugh, talking about this pisses me off.not too long ago, chris &i went to smoker's den &got two magazines. one was high times &the other was a playboy with marge simpson on the cover. it's a collectible's edition. my grandfather is obscessed with the simpsons. i got it just for him. [: he was happy.
***high times is a magazine that talks all about weed &some other things. i was reading it &i think they should just legalize marajuana. drinking is soo much worse than marajuana. pkus, sooo many people go. if the government takes over the drug dealers &you know start growing &selling weed, it could become a nice trade. it is harmless. it can't cause cancer. it is SCIENTIFICALLY proven that weed doesn't cause cancer. when you smoke it, it doesn't harm you at all. you may lose brain cells, but they come back, that is ALSO scientifically proven. this country could make a nice profit legalizing marajuana. i think obama should do it. he's admitted smoking it before. he said the way to legalize it is the people that want it legalized need to have a vote &then give it to their state officials &when states for yes outnumber the no states, obama said he'll legalize it. he said it's all on the people. he doesn't see this as a big issue so that is why he said it's on the people. i agree with him. i just think weed should be legalized.
okay, enough rambling. chris is going to be on lunch soon to see me. [: i'm excited. i miss him. last night, we were hanging out in the room. he was playing video games &i wanted attention. so we lay down &cuddled, &we ended up falling asleep. hahaha. we woke back up at 12:30 am. we got into pajamas & shut everything off &just went to bed. lol. we woke up pretty early too. [: chris had to work at 9. he won't get out until 5:30 which is fucking gay. at least he has tomorrow off.
okay, i'll probably write more later. ♥
anywaysssss, i get there &i told natasha to get rid of the old bag. she hates it when i call her that but she really is annoying &tash knows that i don't like her. so, we went for a walk. we had to meet natasha's youngest sister. as we were walking back, we see a guy named carl that all of us know except tasha's youngest sister, meagan. so she tells trudy to go hang out with him because she was doing stuff with her sister, like shopping cuz at the funeral all of the sisters got 75 dollars each in visa giftcards. i love those things. anyway, she went with him.
so, we get back to tasha's but first we went to d&d so i could get some breakfast, a strawberry frosted donut with sprinkles. yum yum. those are my faaave! so we get to tasha's &we see denise walking to the indian store. lol. idk the name of the store. i've always called it that. so asked meagan with walk with her so she can bring stuff back for gram because she was gunna buy iit then give the stuff to meg to bring to gram &denise was just gunna keep walking. me &tash knew what she was going to do. go get high on crack &drink. she always does that shit when she's depressed &it's no good for her at all. then we get to gram's. natasha tells gram that we're going shopping, then we leave.we got in the car &went for a smoke ride first. i love smoke rides. i looove weed.*** after, we went to jc pennys. so, we get there &we all look around &natasha doesn't find anything she wants &meagan had stuff she picked out but didn't even buy anything. i can't stand people that do that. haha. they'd rather just save it. fuck that. if i have 75 dollars for clothes &stuff which is what it was for, you better believe i'm spending it all. haha. so, we go to a new store next to olympia sports, quiznos, &jc pennys. it's called maurice's. i <3 it. as soon as i walked in i fell in love with everything. haha. i can't wait until chris gets paid. i can't wait to get a job so i can blow my money on clothesss! natasha bought a hat &scarf.. that's it! meagan didn't get anything but a wallet. hahahaha. they suck. i just wanted to take their visa's &buy myself shit. hahaha. sooo, i wanted to go to label shopper. we went there &i got chris a pair of calvin klein underwear. they are sexxxxy! he modeled them for me last night. [; haha. i looove him. so after we were done shopping, we went to tb because we were alll hungry &meagan bought me a gordita crunch. yummy. haha. we were gunna eat there cuz it was like, 2:45 &i didn't have to bring my sister to work cuz my aunt's boyfriend was gunna do it &chris &my grandmother didn't get out of work until 4. at like, 2:55 i get a call from my sister saying she called auntie because she told them when she called earlier she had to work at 4. well, she checked her schedule &she had to be there at 3:30 so anyway, she called auntie to tell her &myy aunt was like, "well, that's too bad. matt is sleeping." &was just a bitch about everything so she calls me &asks if i will bring her. so i told her yeah &i might be a little later because i was waiting for food. which the wait seemed like forever. natasha &meagan went with me so it was good. we got our food a little after three, so i had to speed to hoosick falls. i fucking get there, &matt is sitting outside (my aunt's boyfriend). i was soo pissed. i went over &talked to him &saw the baby. he cried of course. haha. so i go inside &i go upstairs &dem is apologizing for having me come. i was like, "matt is outside". she didn't even fucking know! my aunt is a bitch. my grandmother has no money for gas &that was a waste of gas for me. so, they left cuz she ended up riding with matt. me, natasha, &meagan went over to the big moose since i live right next door to it. lol. &peter winchester is working. natasha used to like him, &he's dating &fucking this girl named whitney, who used to date a kid named peter noble, who natasha is fucking. hahahaha. it's too funny. meagan bought me candy. haha, a laffy taffy. a huuuge one. so we go there &make fun of him then leave. on the way home, we smoke her last bp. i love her uncle shane's weed. it's amaaaazing.so, by the time i get back into bennington, it's time to pick up my gram &chris. yeah, my grandmother was not too happy with my aunt. she's such a bitch sometimes. she's such an alcoholic, she thinks everyone is out to ruin her life. her kids come here on the weekends because she can't handle them. that is why she drinks. she doesn't even know how to take care of them. she sits at home allll day. won't get a job. matt does all the working. she's lazy. her kids don't want her to drink because they know how she was when sober, &they miss their real mom. anyway, when she drinks she is so hard on the kids. she makes them do housework while she sits. the kids have to clean the bathroom do the dishes sweep all the time. stuff she is supposed to be doing. i mean a couple chores is fine for kids their ages but she makes them clean everything. i feel so bad for them. i wish they could live with us cuz i know how to handle them &take care of them. ugh, talking about this pisses me off.not too long ago, chris &i went to smoker's den &got two magazines. one was high times &the other was a playboy with marge simpson on the cover. it's a collectible's edition. my grandfather is obscessed with the simpsons. i got it just for him. [: he was happy.
***high times is a magazine that talks all about weed &some other things. i was reading it &i think they should just legalize marajuana. drinking is soo much worse than marajuana. pkus, sooo many people go. if the government takes over the drug dealers &you know start growing &selling weed, it could become a nice trade. it is harmless. it can't cause cancer. it is SCIENTIFICALLY proven that weed doesn't cause cancer. when you smoke it, it doesn't harm you at all. you may lose brain cells, but they come back, that is ALSO scientifically proven. this country could make a nice profit legalizing marajuana. i think obama should do it. he's admitted smoking it before. he said the way to legalize it is the people that want it legalized need to have a vote &then give it to their state officials &when states for yes outnumber the no states, obama said he'll legalize it. he said it's all on the people. he doesn't see this as a big issue so that is why he said it's on the people. i agree with him. i just think weed should be legalized.
okay, enough rambling. chris is going to be on lunch soon to see me. [: i'm excited. i miss him. last night, we were hanging out in the room. he was playing video games &i wanted attention. so we lay down &cuddled, &we ended up falling asleep. hahaha. we woke back up at 12:30 am. we got into pajamas & shut everything off &just went to bed. lol. we woke up pretty early too. [: chris had to work at 9. he won't get out until 5:30 which is fucking gay. at least he has tomorrow off.
okay, i'll probably write more later. ♥
oo9.
gooood morning everyone! it's freezing out. i hate the cold. lol. chris has already gone to work &so now i'm stuck here all alone. i hate it when he has to work long shifts. it sucks. he has to work a double on black friday because he works at walmart so they need him to get people to line up for the expensive tvs. he is going to be in charge of that most of the morning. then he works until 5 oclock that fucking night. it's dumb. he has to cash everyone out. i think for black friday i'm gunna go to the mall so i don't have to sit here all alone without chris. it sucks going to the mall alone, but hey! there is gong to be good deals.
yeah, so nothing else has happened yet since it's still pretty early.
i'll ramble on more later. i'm going to get into the shower.
oo8.
okay so it's been a few days. chris has had the past few days off. i'm definitely feeling a looootttt better than the other day when his mom was pissing me &him off. she came &got his money &we all talked &it was good. [:
anyway, he has had the past couple days off &all we did was stay home &spent the days together. it was awesome. i never get to spend time with him anymore cuz he's always working. ]: he gets out at 10 so not too long from now. i had to bring my little cousin to a dance. aw, how cute. he's nine &going to school dances. i miss him being younger. lol. they are growing up so fast. i remember when i used to change their smelly ass diapers. i have to pick him up from the dance at 9:45.
i <3 playing rockband2 with chris. we always have so much fun. we bought a movie off the tv last night &watched dance flick. it was okay. not as good as i thought it was going to be. i still haven't seen paranormal activity &i really really really wanna see it bad, even though i heard that it wasn't too too scary. fuck them! i wanna see it. lol.
sooo, for christmas for my little cousin nina, i think i'm going to sew her &make her a pillow. a pillow that is going to match her curtains my grandmother is making her &her blanket that my grandmother is making her. her room is going to be matching &it's going to be pretty. [: i <3 my little cousins. hehe.
soooo, i want to get drunk.
period.
i don't know why, but i just do.
maybe i should go get high. i think so.
so i'll update tomorrow cuz later i will
be toooo busy with my bby. [:
i<3him.>
anyway, he has had the past couple days off &all we did was stay home &spent the days together. it was awesome. i never get to spend time with him anymore cuz he's always working. ]: he gets out at 10 so not too long from now. i had to bring my little cousin to a dance. aw, how cute. he's nine &going to school dances. i miss him being younger. lol. they are growing up so fast. i remember when i used to change their smelly ass diapers. i have to pick him up from the dance at 9:45.
i <3 playing rockband2 with chris. we always have so much fun. we bought a movie off the tv last night &watched dance flick. it was okay. not as good as i thought it was going to be. i still haven't seen paranormal activity &i really really really wanna see it bad, even though i heard that it wasn't too too scary. fuck them! i wanna see it. lol.
sooo, for christmas for my little cousin nina, i think i'm going to sew her &make her a pillow. a pillow that is going to match her curtains my grandmother is making her &her blanket that my grandmother is making her. her room is going to be matching &it's going to be pretty. [: i <3 my little cousins. hehe.
soooo, i want to get drunk.
period.
i don't know why, but i just do.
maybe i should go get high. i think so.
so i'll update tomorrow cuz later i will
be toooo busy with my bby. [:
i<3him.>
oo7.
sooo, good afternoon/evening. lol. i woke up pretty early this morning. about 8, 7:30ish. i hate waking up early but i have woken up early in suuuch a long time. it felt nice. today so far has been a little stressful. i've been spending the whole day so far with christopherrrr. <3
oo6.
okay so today has definitely gotten better. chris came home for his lunch &we just talked about everything. it made me feel soo much better &now everything is all good. the kids have finally gone home but i feel bad for them because my aunt doesn't even know how to take care of them cuz she's a drunk &like, they hate it. they never want to go home either. it's pretty sad. my mom is a fucking drug addict &only calls when she needs money. that is also sad. she's never really been in my life &my grandmother &aunt lin are pretty much my mothers. my dad killed himself &i didn't really know him.today i was looking at my old livejournals &i had soo many friends. i was also reading all of the entries &i've realized my mom has always been distant &a drug addict. she would leave me &my sister home alone all the time for days in a row with no food or heat. i was like fucking 13 years old taking care of my little sister because my mom never wanted to come home &take care of us. instead, she wanted to do drugs. ugh! just writing about it pisses me off. i saw her the other day with some guy in a truck. idk. she's doing bad &she's pretty much dead to me. family is supposed to be all about love, especially your mom but my mom is a piece of shit. obviously drugs are more important than her kids. it's pathetic. it's okay though because when chris is here he takes all the pain away. 5:30 he gets out &it's going by sooo slow.i miss my best friend keshia. reading her old entries about us just made me miss her even more. i just want to see her &give her like the biggest hug. i could use a best friend like her here in new york. i hate it here. i talked to chris about after college how we should move to maine &he wants to. i brought him there during the summer &he ABSOLUTELY loved it. he really wants to live there &that makes me happy. so i wrote a story the other day. it's personal so please don't make fun of it. i put a lot of thought into it
i never thought about killing myself; it just became a condition. kind of like catching a cold. one minute you are fine, and the next minute you are sick. whenever people would talk about suicide, i would think to myself, "i would never do that." why would someone want to do something so final, so stupid?
for me, i just wanted the pain to stop. and it got to the point where i was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. it started with the usual stuff...
i am 16. i spend the summer with my mom and during the school year i live with my dad. i feel like an inconvenience to both of them. at my mom's i have no room. my mom isn't there for me when i need her because she always has something more important to do. at least, that is how it feels.
i was having trouble with my friends. the ones i had not lost already to "different lifestyles" were unable to help me. in their own words, my problems were "too much" for them. the intensity of my pain scared them, like it did me.
oh yeah... did i mention my boyfriend, john, had dumped me that day? my first boyfriend had left me, too. he said i had become impossible to love and now john was gone, too. and it wasn't that i would be without him that mattered... it was me. what was wrong with me? why is it so hard to love me and why is it that when it gets hard, everyone bails?
i was alone. all i had were the voices in my head telling me i blew it, i was too needy, i was never going to be loved once someone really got to know me. i felt that i wasn't even good enough to be loved by my own parents.
you know how, when you are really hurting, you feel like you can just call the person (the boyfriend, the friend) and tell him or her how much it hurts and they'll say, "oh, i am so sorry; i didn't mean to hurt you; hang on, i will be right there"? well, i called and i was crying, and i said it hurts too much, please come talk to me. he said he couldn't help me... and he hung up.
i went into my mom's bathroom and took a bottle of tylenol pm, some tranquilizers and a couple pain pills i had left from an injury. soon the pain would be over.
i will spare you the gruesome details of what followed. it was a whole new kind of pain. physically, i puked until i couldn't move. emotionally, i was more scared than i have ever been. i did not want to die. (statistics show that immediately after "attempting" suicide, the person desperately wants to live... not die, which makes it even sadder to think about those who do succeed.) luckily for me, i did not die. but i hurt my body (my stomach still aches). and i scared and hurt a lot of people. i scared myself, but i didn't die and i can't even begin to tell you how happy i am about that.
i cringe every time someone else finds out. i did not want to write this story, but i did want to help anyone else who might be thinking about it or who is in a lot of pain.
it has been a few years since that night. i have laughed at least a million times, many of those real "pee your pants" kind of laughing. i have a therapist who really cares about me, and we are making real progress in building up my confidence. she is also helping my mom and dad be "better parents". i have realized that they really do care and that they are doing the best that they can. i have a new friend who has gone through some hard stuff herself. my intense feelings do not scare her, and we know what it means to "be there" for someone you care about. i have worked things out with some of my old friends and we are closer than ever. i have earned $500 and spent it all on myself... without guilt (well, maybe a little). and i am starting to forgive myself.
oh, yeah... i met a guy. he is really sweet and he knows "my story". we have agreed to take things slow.
these are only a few of the things i would have missed. life gets really hard somtimes and really painful. for me, i couldn't feel everyone else's love because i had forgotten how to love myself. i'm learning now- learning how to accept, forgive and love myself. and i'm learning that things change. pain does go away, and happiness is the other side. although pain comes back, so does the happiness. it is like waves in the ocean coming and going... coming and going... breathing in and breathing out.
THE END!
characters aren't all real.. like, i wasn't 16 and i wasn't with either my mom or dad. i just figured the situation would sound better if i changed it a little bit. everything is true though.. like the storyline. i never dated a john. lol. what do ya think? i wrote it to help young girls.
baaah; chris gets out now. he should be punching out &coming home. we're gunna watch a scary movie tonight. i love him.
okay, i'm going to end this. fingers are tired. i might update laterrrr. [:
i never thought about killing myself; it just became a condition. kind of like catching a cold. one minute you are fine, and the next minute you are sick. whenever people would talk about suicide, i would think to myself, "i would never do that." why would someone want to do something so final, so stupid?
for me, i just wanted the pain to stop. and it got to the point where i was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. it started with the usual stuff...
i am 16. i spend the summer with my mom and during the school year i live with my dad. i feel like an inconvenience to both of them. at my mom's i have no room. my mom isn't there for me when i need her because she always has something more important to do. at least, that is how it feels.
i was having trouble with my friends. the ones i had not lost already to "different lifestyles" were unable to help me. in their own words, my problems were "too much" for them. the intensity of my pain scared them, like it did me.
oh yeah... did i mention my boyfriend, john, had dumped me that day? my first boyfriend had left me, too. he said i had become impossible to love and now john was gone, too. and it wasn't that i would be without him that mattered... it was me. what was wrong with me? why is it so hard to love me and why is it that when it gets hard, everyone bails?
i was alone. all i had were the voices in my head telling me i blew it, i was too needy, i was never going to be loved once someone really got to know me. i felt that i wasn't even good enough to be loved by my own parents.
you know how, when you are really hurting, you feel like you can just call the person (the boyfriend, the friend) and tell him or her how much it hurts and they'll say, "oh, i am so sorry; i didn't mean to hurt you; hang on, i will be right there"? well, i called and i was crying, and i said it hurts too much, please come talk to me. he said he couldn't help me... and he hung up.
i went into my mom's bathroom and took a bottle of tylenol pm, some tranquilizers and a couple pain pills i had left from an injury. soon the pain would be over.
i will spare you the gruesome details of what followed. it was a whole new kind of pain. physically, i puked until i couldn't move. emotionally, i was more scared than i have ever been. i did not want to die. (statistics show that immediately after "attempting" suicide, the person desperately wants to live... not die, which makes it even sadder to think about those who do succeed.) luckily for me, i did not die. but i hurt my body (my stomach still aches). and i scared and hurt a lot of people. i scared myself, but i didn't die and i can't even begin to tell you how happy i am about that.
i cringe every time someone else finds out. i did not want to write this story, but i did want to help anyone else who might be thinking about it or who is in a lot of pain.
it has been a few years since that night. i have laughed at least a million times, many of those real "pee your pants" kind of laughing. i have a therapist who really cares about me, and we are making real progress in building up my confidence. she is also helping my mom and dad be "better parents". i have realized that they really do care and that they are doing the best that they can. i have a new friend who has gone through some hard stuff herself. my intense feelings do not scare her, and we know what it means to "be there" for someone you care about. i have worked things out with some of my old friends and we are closer than ever. i have earned $500 and spent it all on myself... without guilt (well, maybe a little). and i am starting to forgive myself.
oh, yeah... i met a guy. he is really sweet and he knows "my story". we have agreed to take things slow.
these are only a few of the things i would have missed. life gets really hard somtimes and really painful. for me, i couldn't feel everyone else's love because i had forgotten how to love myself. i'm learning now- learning how to accept, forgive and love myself. and i'm learning that things change. pain does go away, and happiness is the other side. although pain comes back, so does the happiness. it is like waves in the ocean coming and going... coming and going... breathing in and breathing out.
THE END!
characters aren't all real.. like, i wasn't 16 and i wasn't with either my mom or dad. i just figured the situation would sound better if i changed it a little bit. everything is true though.. like the storyline. i never dated a john. lol. what do ya think? i wrote it to help young girls.
baaah; chris gets out now. he should be punching out &coming home. we're gunna watch a scary movie tonight. i love him.
okay, i'm going to end this. fingers are tired. i might update laterrrr. [:
oo5.
okay so my halloween pretty much was okay. i didn't even do
anything really. i carved pumpkins. i hung out with my friend
natasha &megan. chris got out of work at 5. we didn't even go
to the movies which was fucking gay. i want to see paranormal
activity soo bad. anywaysss, whatever. worst halloween although
i must say i was pretty fucked up. lol. i got soo high.
chris also ended up playing video games. he is always playing
video games. i love him though. lately, i have not been able
to see him that much &it sucks cuz i just feel so distant from him
&that isn't what i want. i feel like he's not giving me the things
i need. like, when i'm upset he is always like, "i give you
everything. i treat you soo good. i do this for you &this for you."
he is always somehow turning it on me. making me apologize to
him for me being hurt &stuff &i think it's really messed up. when
he comes home on lunch today i'm going to talk to him about it
cuz it's messed up. anyway, i'm glad i got that off my chest. it
has been bugging me. i need a job. baaad. i sit at home all
the time &it's driving me crazy, making me lose my mind. haha.
i can't wait for college. it's going to be fun. then i'm going to
have a really good job. everyone ate up the halloween treats
i made. i can't post pictures yet because i can't find my camera
cord. haha. i'm so dumb for losing it. it's here somewhere though
&i will find it. i just ate cereal.. for lunch. haha. shows im lazy too.
whatever though, i have nothing better to do. i want to find more
friends on here because i need support &help. our pumpkins came
out soo good. chris did some really tricky pattern &i did like, the
easiest one. haha. whatever. they look good. especially at night.
i have pictures of those too. we get no trick-or-treaters. absolutely
none. not one. it's gay cuz i wouldn't have minded handing candy
out. i live in a gay town. haha.ah, i hope today is better.
i hope everyone had awonderful halloween.
someone had to of.
i'll write more later. i'm gunna find something to do..
maybe shower! haha. okay peaceeee.
anything really. i carved pumpkins. i hung out with my friend
natasha &megan. chris got out of work at 5. we didn't even go
to the movies which was fucking gay. i want to see paranormal
activity soo bad. anywaysss, whatever. worst halloween although
i must say i was pretty fucked up. lol. i got soo high.
chris also ended up playing video games. he is always playing
video games. i love him though. lately, i have not been able
to see him that much &it sucks cuz i just feel so distant from him
&that isn't what i want. i feel like he's not giving me the things
i need. like, when i'm upset he is always like, "i give you
everything. i treat you soo good. i do this for you &this for you."
he is always somehow turning it on me. making me apologize to
him for me being hurt &stuff &i think it's really messed up. when
he comes home on lunch today i'm going to talk to him about it
cuz it's messed up. anyway, i'm glad i got that off my chest. it
has been bugging me. i need a job. baaad. i sit at home all
the time &it's driving me crazy, making me lose my mind. haha.
i can't wait for college. it's going to be fun. then i'm going to
have a really good job. everyone ate up the halloween treats
i made. i can't post pictures yet because i can't find my camera
cord. haha. i'm so dumb for losing it. it's here somewhere though
&i will find it. i just ate cereal.. for lunch. haha. shows im lazy too.
whatever though, i have nothing better to do. i want to find more
friends on here because i need support &help. our pumpkins came
out soo good. chris did some really tricky pattern &i did like, the
easiest one. haha. whatever. they look good. especially at night.
i have pictures of those too. we get no trick-or-treaters. absolutely
none. not one. it's gay cuz i wouldn't have minded handing candy
out. i live in a gay town. haha.ah, i hope today is better.
i hope everyone had awonderful halloween.
someone had to of.
i'll write more later. i'm gunna find something to do..
maybe shower! haha. okay peaceeee.
oo4.
soooo, today is halloween. yay! i'm supposed to be going
to the movies tonight with chris. i love him but we might
just order on the tv &watch it. if it isn't on the tv, then we're
gunna go to the movies. my cell is dead, but it's charging
right now. i'm about to go to bennington &hang out with
natasha mother fucking bitchface. lol. she's getting her
tattoo &i'm going with her. it's sooo warm out. it's weird.
lol. but i like it.well, i need to go get ready to leave.
i'm definitely updating this thing laterr.
i miss my boyfriend. ]: he always works now.
KESHIA- MOTHERFUCKING ADD ME BITCH!I MISS YOU GODDAMMIT!
♥
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!
to the movies tonight with chris. i love him but we might
just order on the tv &watch it. if it isn't on the tv, then we're
gunna go to the movies. my cell is dead, but it's charging
right now. i'm about to go to bennington &hang out with
natasha mother fucking bitchface. lol. she's getting her
tattoo &i'm going with her. it's sooo warm out. it's weird.
lol. but i like it.well, i need to go get ready to leave.
i'm definitely updating this thing laterr.
i miss my boyfriend. ]: he always works now.
KESHIA- MOTHERFUCKING ADD ME BITCH!I MISS YOU GODDAMMIT!
♥
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!
oo3.
okay so i'm a lot cooled down from earlier. i went &paid my cell phone bill so now my phone is finally on. yaaay! i missed it. that's sad i know. sooo, i'm still a little upset that i missed out on the halloween party, but my boyfriend fixed it all up for me. he made me feel a lot better. we went to the grocery store &got a bunch of candy &stuff to make halloween treats. i found two pretty sweet halloween treat recipes online &i'm making them for my little cousins &the fam but the little kids first. lol. i wish i was a kid again. cuz then i could go trick or treating &get lotsss of candy. then we went to mcdonalds &ordered a couple things on the dollar menu to share. i love sharing food with my boyfriend. he's adorable. i absolutley hate his work schedule though because i never get to fucking see him. ever. it really sucks cuz i want to spend every second of every day with him. lol. anyway, we came home &made the treats. i'll be posting pictures later. do you think it is bad that i rely on weed to calm me down? well, all i did was smoke earlier &i calmed down real quick. i'm such a pothead. i don't care. haha. whatever. so anyway, since the halloween party was tonight &i can't go trick-or-treating tomorrow, chris is going to take me to the movies. we have to get there extra early cuz the movies is going to be packed. i'm so fucking excited. we're going to see paranormal activity. i've been dying to see it. i looove the previews. also, the blair witch project wasn't that bad &i think they are the same producers that made this movie. i'm fucking excited.. once again! i'm getting tired &i have an early day tomorrow. i'll be writing more in the am. goodnight. pictures tomorrow! [[: ♥
oo2.
in case for you who don't know what fml means-- FUCKMYLIFE! ]: soooo, i'm fucking pissed. tomorrow is halloween &i was SUPPOSED to go to a party....butttt! it is actually tonight &chris has to work early in the morning so he doesn't want to stay long so i figured what is the fucking point?! i was really looking forward to this. it sucks really bad. i had everything planned. he was going to be a zombie &i was going to be a lego that i made. props to myself! [: &i found these REALLLLLY cool looking snacks online that i was going to make &bring but since our friends didn't even txt us to tell us after they had us thinking it was on halloween that it was tonight, i can't make them now. ]: i fucking hate my life. &then chris tried to make it all better by saying he would take me out to eat. WELL, i had talked to him about pumpkins &we're getting some tonight, he doesn't even have enough money to get my sister one.. yet he has the money to take me out to eat. it's fucked up. then he has to give a bunch of money to his mom which is gay but whatever. i need to fucking get high. if you have a problem with me smoking weed then you better not read my journal cuz i smoke a lot of weed. [: i'm sooo irritated. once again- i'm going to be bored on fucking halloween. i'm too old to go trick or treating because like a year or two ago people shut their doors on me &said i was too old &the candy was for the kids. gay isn't it? yeah. well, i have to get ready but don't worry. i'm gunna write more later. i need to turn my cell back on lol. i have to go pay my billll. ew. then i think we're going to get pumpkins. i hope i make some LJ friends while i'm gone. i'm a comment whore by the way. you comment me &i'll comment you. <3
edit- these entries were before i found this site. [:
edit- these entries were before i found this site. [:
so i'm new.. thanks keshia!
okay so i'm switching over ALL of my livejournal entries. YAY! lol. just so you can get to know me. i like this a lot better than livejournal. thaanks to keshia, i got into it.
i hope she's not mad i chose polka dots only in a different color.. but i really liked the polka dots. lol. love ya girl!
okay.. so here goes a long process. [:
i hope she's not mad i chose polka dots only in a different color.. but i really liked the polka dots. lol. love ya girl!
okay.. so here goes a long process. [:
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