oo6.

okay so today has definitely gotten better. chris came home for his lunch &we just talked about everything. it made me feel soo much better &now everything is all good. the kids have finally gone home but i feel bad for them because my aunt doesn't even know how to take care of them cuz she's a drunk &like, they hate it. they never want to go home either. it's pretty sad. my mom is a fucking drug addict &only calls when she needs money. that is also sad. she's never really been in my life &my grandmother &aunt lin are pretty much my mothers. my dad killed himself &i didn't really know him.today i was looking at my old livejournals &i had soo many friends. i was also reading all of the entries &i've realized my mom has always been distant &a drug addict. she would leave me &my sister home alone all the time for days in a row with no food or heat. i was like fucking 13 years old taking care of my little sister because my mom never wanted to come home &take care of us. instead, she wanted to do drugs. ugh! just writing about it pisses me off. i saw her the other day with some guy in a truck. idk. she's doing bad &she's pretty much dead to me. family is supposed to be all about love, especially your mom but my mom is a piece of shit. obviously drugs are more important than her kids. it's pathetic. it's okay though because when chris is here he takes all the pain away. 5:30 he gets out &it's going by sooo slow.i miss my best friend keshia. reading her old entries about us just made me miss her even more. i just want to see her &give her like the biggest hug. i could use a best friend like her here in new york. i hate it here. i talked to chris about after college how we should move to maine &he wants to. i brought him there during the summer &he ABSOLUTELY loved it. he really wants to live there &that makes me happy. so i wrote a story the other day. it's personal so please don't make fun of it. i put a lot of thought into it


i never thought about killing myself; it just became a condition. kind of like catching a cold. one minute you are fine, and the next minute you are sick. whenever people would talk about suicide, i would think to myself, "i would never do that." why would someone want to do something so final, so stupid?

for me, i just wanted the pain to stop. and it got to the point where i was willing to do whatever it took to make that happen. it started with the usual stuff...

i am 16. i spend the summer with my mom and during the school year i live with my dad. i feel like an inconvenience to both of them. at my mom's i have no room. my mom isn't there for me when i need her because she always has something more important to do. at least, that is how it feels.

i was having trouble with my friends. the ones i had not lost already to "different lifestyles" were unable to help me. in their own words, my problems were "too much" for them. the intensity of my pain scared them, like it did me.

oh yeah... did i mention my boyfriend, john, had dumped me that day? my first boyfriend had left me, too. he said i had become impossible to love and now john was gone, too. and it wasn't that i would be without him that mattered... it was me. what was wrong with me? why is it so hard to love me and why is it that when it gets hard, everyone bails?

i was alone. all i had were the voices in my head telling me i blew it, i was too needy, i was never going to be loved once someone really got to know me. i felt that i wasn't even good enough to be loved by my own parents.

you know how, when you are really hurting, you feel like you can just call the person (the boyfriend, the friend) and tell him or her how much it hurts and they'll say, "oh, i am so sorry; i didn't mean to hurt you; hang on, i will be right there"? well, i called and i was crying, and i said it hurts too much, please come talk to me. he said he couldn't help me... and he hung up.

i went into my mom's bathroom and took a bottle of tylenol pm, some tranquilizers and a couple pain pills i had left from an injury. soon the pain would be over.

i will spare you the gruesome details of what followed. it was a whole new kind of pain. physically, i puked until i couldn't move. emotionally, i was more scared than i have ever been. i did not want to die. (statistics show that immediately after "attempting" suicide, the person desperately wants to live... not die, which makes it even sadder to think about those who do succeed.) luckily for me, i did not die. but i hurt my body (my stomach still aches). and i scared and hurt a lot of people. i scared myself, but i didn't die and i can't even begin to tell you how happy i am about that.

i cringe every time someone else finds out. i did not want to write this story, but i did want to help anyone else who might be thinking about it or who is in a lot of pain.

it has been a few years since that night. i have laughed at least a million times, many of those real "pee your pants" kind of laughing. i have a therapist who really cares about me, and we are making real progress in building up my confidence. she is also helping my mom and dad be "better parents". i have realized that they really do care and that they are doing the best that they can. i have a new friend who has gone through some hard stuff herself. my intense feelings do not scare her, and we know what it means to "be there" for someone you care about. i have worked things out with some of my old friends and we are closer than ever. i have earned $500 and spent it all on myself... without guilt (well, maybe a little). and i am starting to forgive myself.

oh, yeah... i met a guy. he is really sweet and he knows "my story". we have agreed to take things slow.

these are only a few of the things i would have missed. life gets really hard somtimes and really painful. for me, i couldn't feel everyone else's love because i had forgotten how to love myself. i'm learning now- learning how to accept, forgive and love myself. and i'm learning that things change. pain does go away, and happiness is the other side. although pain comes back, so does the happiness. it is like waves in the ocean coming and going... coming and going... breathing in and breathing out.

THE END!


characters aren't all real.. like, i wasn't 16 and i wasn't with either my mom or dad. i just figured the situation would sound better if i changed it a little bit. everything is true though.. like the storyline. i never dated a john. lol. what do ya think? i wrote it to help young girls.

baaah; chris gets out now. he should be punching out &coming home. we're gunna watch a scary movie tonight. i love him.

okay, i'm going to end this. fingers are tired. i might update laterrrr. [: