o12.

&so much has happened. i've been hanging out with my friend natasha lately while chris has been at work. i hate it when he has to fucking work. the other night i had a fucking breakdown. it really sucked. i think i'm going crazy. haha. i'm just an insecure person &i need to hear certain things every now &then. i don't want to lose chris. i looove him so much &i'm terrified. i like, need him; seriously. he IS my other half. i can't wait to find a fucking job so i can get out &not get bad thoughts in my head about my bby. like, just because of my past relationships &getting cheated on, i'm so afraid that he's going to be like all of the others but i know that he would never do that to me. it's like, it seems too good to be true. he does. he IS too good to be true. he's so perfect &treats me so well &i know that is why i don't ever wanna lose him. so since he had today off, it was nice to be able to spend the day together. [: he has saturday off &i think we're going to hang out with rich &brit but i don't know what is happening yet. nothing final. as long as if i get to be with him i don't really care. lol.

so i've been hanging out with natasha. we have been having so much fun. i've been trying to do everything i can for her so that she doesn't think about her pepe who died on halloween. it's a sad thing too. we were even talking about him earlier on in the day that he died. anyway, we are going to protest for marajuana legalization. i really think the legalization could do wonders for trading &shit. we could make so much nice money &there would probably be a lot less bitchy people. haha. megan has been home a lot or she's been hanging out with jake. she's just been a busy-body. my gay friend steven got out of jail. it was so much fun hanging out with him. i missed him a lot. me &tasha were talking about how she thinks i should be single so i can "live my life" &telling me that i could do whatever i wanted with who i wanted. i was like, "dude, i'm not a slut" haha. but yeah, i don't know. i kind of didn't appreciate it just because i love chris. she was also saying if i was single &when i get a job we could get an apartment together. like, wtf? lol. i'm not leaving chris you leszbo. haha. just kidding. i love my natasha. she just wants me to be happy &she was saying all of this because she knew me &chris were fighting. i'm not going to lie, if chris like, cheated on me or something, i would probably do exactly what she suggested.. but chris would never do that &i don't want him to cuz i want to be with him forever.

i also hung out with kaleigh. she's alright. sometimes, she's waaay too talkative. it's like, STFU! haha. i love her though. she's awesome. she's like, "YOU KNOW MY BOYFRIEND!" i was thinking to myself, biitch you are fucking weird. i don't know him. &then she said who it was &like, my mouth just dropped. kodiak. i love him. he's awesome. they look cute together. i've known cody for a long ass time. he's pretty fucking sweet.


dude, i want to try shrooms. chris always tells me he'll get them for me because he wants me to try them, but he never does or he can't find them. haha. i love him though. he doesn't mean to forget sometimes. i'm so glad our big fight is done &over with. we never fight. we maybe sometimes will get into disagreements, but we never fight. &we fought yesterday. i'm glad he forgives me for being a retard. haha. i'm just insecure, that's all.

about the whole marajuana legalization thing, i think they should also do it because it is sooo much less harmful than alcohol. so many people die from that shit. for some reason, i want to get drunk.. soon. ]: i don't want to feel that way. haha.okay, so i wrote something that i want feedback on. here goes nothing.

1. everybody doesn't have to love me.
not everyone has to love me or even like me. i don't necessarily like everybody i know, so why should eveyrbody else like me? i enjoy being liked and being loved, but if somebody doesn't like me, i will still be okay and still feel like i am an okay person. i cannot make somebody else like me, any more than someone can get me to like them. i don't need approval all the time. if someone does not approve of me, i will still be okay.

2. it is okay to make mistakes.
making mistakes is something we all do, and i am still a fine and worthwhile person when i make them. there is no reason for me to get upset when i make a mistake. i am trying, and if i make a mistake, i am going to continue trying. i can handle making a mistake. it is okay for others to make mistakes, too. i will accept mistakes in myself and also mistakes that others make.

3. other people are okay and i am okay.
people who do things i don't like are not necessarily bad people. they should not necessarily be punished just because i don't like what they do or did. there is no reason why other people should be the way i want them to be, and there is no reason why i should be the way somebody else wants me to be. people will be whatever they want to be. i cannot control other people or change them. they are who they are; we all deserve basic respect.

4. i don't have to control things.
i will survive if things are different than what i want them to be. i can accept things the way they are, accept people the way they are, and accept myself the way i am. there is no reason to get upset if i can't change things to fit my idea of how they ought to be. there is no reason why i should have to like everything. even if i don't like it, i can live with it.

5. i am responsible for my day.
i am responsible for how i feel and what i do. nobody can make me feel anything. if i have a rotten day, i am the one who allowed it to be that way. if i have a great day, i am the one who deserves credit for being positive. it is not the responsibility of other people to change so that i can feel better. i am the one who is in charge of my life.

6. i can handle it when things go wrong.
i don't need to watch out for things to go wrong. things usually go just fine, and when they don't, i can handle it. i don't have to waste my energy worrying. the sky won't fall in; things will be okay.

7. it is important to try.
i can. even though i may be faced with difficult tasks, it is better to try than to avoid them. avoiding a task does not give me any opportunities for success or joy, but trying does. things worth having are worth the effort. i might not be able to do everything, but i can do something.

8. i am capable.
i don't need someone else to take care of my problems. i am capable. i can take care of myself. i can make decisions for myself. i can think for myself. i don't have to depend on somebody else to take care of me.

9. i can change.
i don't have to be a certain way because of what has happened iin the past. every day is a new day. it's silly to think i can't help being the way i am. of course i can. i can change.

10. other people are capable.
i can't solve other people's problems for them. i don't have to take on other people's problems as if they were my own. i don't need to change other people or fix up their lives. they are capable and can take care of themselves and can solve their own problems. i can care and be of some help, but i can't do everything for them.


so, that was it so far. i think i might add an eleven but i'm not sure yet. that is what i came up with these past couple days. it's so true, isn't it? lemme know what you guys think! [[:

okay, so yeah. this entry is pretty long. i don't really care though. i needed to get a few things out. now i'm going to lay down with my boyfriend &watch a movie. i don't know which one we'll watch yet. i love him. he's the greatest, no lie.



time to cuddle. bye-bye. <3